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The world is filled with douchebags… They are everywhere! You can find them in traffic during your commute, you can find them in your office in the cubicle right next to you… Hell some of you can even find one in the mirror every morning. Douchebags are kinda’ like colors… Easy to spot but hard to define. The criteria used to define a douchebag is not always clear.

So I have compiled a list of the top eleven signs that you might be a douchebag! And yes… It is a list of eleven. Any douchebag with a blog can give you a list of ten… It takes a real genius to bring you eleven! So without further delay I bring you the top eleven signs that you might be a douchebag!

1. If you demand respect, yet you treat those around you like shit… You might be a douchebag…

This is the one trait that defines the true douchebag, they all possess this quality in varying degrees. Perhaps it hearkens back to a childhood in which the young and impressionable douchebag in training saw his douchebag of a father treat his mother like shit and learned this behavior? Disclaimer: Some douchebags will learn to hide this behavior when it comes to friends and family members, it’s very important to see how the suspected douchebag interacts with wait staff and others in the service field in order to make this call.

2. If you believe women are powerless to resist your animal magnetism… You might be a douchebag…

All douchebags think that they are god’s gift to women, and sadly to some extent… They are. That is to say they are irresistible to the female version of the douchebag, the douchbaguette, or as I prefer… The cunt. (There will be more on her in a subsequent post.) The douchebag’s obnoxious behavior, orange skin, gelled hair, popped collar and the entire can of body spray he just applied is absolutely irresistible to the douchbaguette… Sadly… This gives the douchebag a false sense of confidence and makes the douchebag think that all women are attracted to him causing constant primping, posing, and the pursed lip look. Moreover, this false sense of confidence elicits a variety of douchebag calls, hoots, howls and whistles, which aren’t even effective on the douche baguette… Women help me out here… Have you ever… In your life… Responded positively to a cat call?

I didn’t think so…

3. If you brag about all the money you make… You might be a douchebag…

Douchebags generally have a small member… This is actually what causes them to act like a douche. The douchebag will try to compensate for his short comings (No pun intended) by telling everyone within ear shot how much money he made last week, last month, or last year. The douchebag will have countless stories of how much money his portfolio earned last year, or how large his bonus was for last month, or the size of his commission check this week… He will go out of his way to tell you how much he paid for everything that he owns, and try very hard to convince you that money is of no concern. The thing is, if money doesn’t matter to him… Then why does he constantly talk about it? He’s hoping a big checkbook will make up for a small dick…

4. If you brag about all of the ass you get… You might be a douchebag…

If the douchebag ever does have the opportunity to have sex he will make sure everyone knows… The douchebag believes that since at least one woman found him attractive enough to spread her legs, that all women will find him as worthy. Most of the time the douchebag doesn’t even need to have sex with a woman to brag about having sex with her. In the douchebag’s mind if he has ever masturbated to the thought of a woman… It’s close enough.

5. If you know everyone, and have done everything… You might be a douchebag…

The douchebag always knows everyone, and he has done everything… He elevates one-up-man-ship to an art form. It doesn’t matter where you’ve been… He’s been there. Who you know… He knows them. What you’ve done… He’s done it, and done it better than you! There is no length the douchebag won’t go to in order to prove his superiority! If you tell him you have the worst period cramps anyone has ever experienced, the true douchebag will begin taking progesterone in the hopes of acquiring a menstrual cycle!

6. If you have an undeserved sense of entitlement… You might be a douchebag…

Douchebags tend to feel that the world owes them something… What exactly that something is can vary, depending on the douchebag. Sometimes it’s a living, sometimes it’s rock star treatment, sometimes it’s just a break. The one common factor is… All douchebags feel it is owed to them, the world and everyone in it should stop and immediately tend to whatever needs the douchebag may have, because… Well because the douchebag said so, and if they don’t… There’ll be hell to pay.

7. If you drive a car with a wing… You might be a douchebag…

As I said before douchebags tend to have small members… They will try to compensate for their lack of penis size by adorning their vehicles with various after market add-on’s such as wings, coffee can resonators and decals which give the appearance of added power and performance yet in actuality do nothing to improve performance. You will see them on the street revving their 4 cylinder, coffee can resonator popping, racing decals strategically placed on their fenders… However, If you ever have the chance to look under the hood, you’ll be left with the same question the douche’s girlfriend asks after sex… “Is that all you got???”

8. If you look like an Oompa Loompa… You might be a douchebag…

The origins of this trait are unclear, although most experts will state that the phenomena originated on Long Island or in Jersey somewhere, but I’m not sure that I agree. I think the roots of this trait go back further, all the way back to the cro-magnon douche… Imagine if you will a cave man, who has been rejected by his own tribe for his douchey behavior, lost, alone and suffering from a wicked case of jaundice he wanders upon a new tribe gathered around a fire keeping warm. The women take notice the cro-magnon’s orange color from his advanced case of jaundice and take pity on him, immediately fawning over him and attempting to nurse him back to health… The cro-magnon douche, being a douche mistakenly interprets pity for attraction and associates his orange pallor as the source of his good fortune… Voila… Another douche bag trait is born!

9. If you use more product in your hair than your girlfriend does… You might be a douchebag…

The douchebag thinks nothing of spending hours and hours of time as well as hundreds if not thousands of dollars on making his hair look like he just crawled out of bed. I’m not sure where this compulsion comes from, and quite frankly I don’t really want to know. The bottom line is this… If you are a man, your hair care routine is lather, rinse, repeat. Not lather, rinse, repeat, apply sculpting wax, blow dry, apply hair gel, blow dry again, add a lil’ more sculpting wax at the roots, more gel, blow dry, more gel, decide you don’t have the right look and start over, lather, rinse, repeat, apply sculpting wax, blow dry, apply hair gel, blow dry again, add a lil’ more sculpting wax at the roots, more gel, blow dry, more gel and you’re ready!

10. If you pop your collar… You might be a douchebag…

If the douchebag is wearing a collared shirt he is compelled to pop the collar, he simply can’t help himself… He must do it. Many douchebags attempting to pass themselves off as decent human beings are found out this way. If their collar is not perfectly popped at a seventy degree angle at all times they will become agitated and pre-occupied with finding a mirror in which to fix it (Bonus points for layered polos with multiple popped collars and pastel colors like powder blue, sea foam green and sweetheart pink). The longer they wear the shirt without the collar popped the more pronounced the douchebag’s distress becomes, profuse sweating, delirium even fainting can occur. Caution: Prolonged exposure to an un-popped collar (especially a polo shirt purchased from Abercrombie & Fitch or Hollister) may actually be fatal to the true douchebag… Although honestly, that may not necessarily be a bad thing!

11. If you wear a pinkie ring… You might be a douchebag…

The pinkie ring is by far the most recognizable douche bag accessory, although unfortunately it’s not the only one. The douchebag’s trinkets and baubles serve a dual purpose. On the one hand douchebaguettes as a whole, aren’t all that bright, so naturally they are attracted to bright, shiny objects, as such the douchebag will adorn himself with the brightest shiniest objects he can find in an attempt to attract her attention. On the other hand they also serve to identify the douchebag’s status in the pack… The more diamonds and platinum he displays… The bigger a douchebag he is…

If you exhibit one or two of the preceding traits, please do yourself… And everyone around you a favor and recognize them for what they are… Signs that you are becoming a douchebag! Take immediate steps to rectify the behavior before it becomes too late.

If you currently exhibit three or four of the preceding traits… Make no mistake! You are a douchebag! But it’s not too late… With extensive therapy and maybe a lobotomy you could possibly revert to a decent human being.

If you currently exhibit five or more of the preceding traits, please do yourself… And everyone around you a favor and just fucking shoot yourself now.

I’m just sayin’…