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Glinda the Good Witch… Is really just a bitch. Right?

I mean I was watchin’ The Wizard of Oz the other day… Because… Well, because I was high, and there is nothing funnier when you’re toasted than a bunch of midgets… But also because I’m just that big of a dork, and I’m thinkin… Sheesh… That Glinda, she’s a real flippin’ Bitch!

I mean Glinda is the one that sends Dorothy to the powerful, but mysterious, Wizard of Oz in order to get home right??? Dorothy lands in Oz after her LSD induced bad trip and Glinda is all like go see the Wizard… Follow the Yellow-Brick Road… So Dorothy sets out on a quest down the Yellow-Brick Road, to the Emerald City. Along the way, she has a run-in with the Wicked Witch of the West, who is pretty pissed at Dorothy for dropping a house on her sister and totally stealin’ the ruby slippers from her dead body…

On top of that Dorothy runs into some loser wannabes’… The Scarecrow (A Dumbass)… The Tin Man (A Heartless Bastard) and the Cowardly Lion (A punk ass bitch). They are pretty useless on their own, so they glom onto Dorothy in the hopes that she can lead them to the Emerald City, where the Wizard lives.

With her band of losers in tow… And one bad-ass witch on her ass… Dorothy arrives at The Emerald City and meets the Wizard. But it ain’t that easy my friends… You see the Wizard is a dick… And a big faker. So he tells them they best respect his skills and kill the Wicked Witch of the West, and bring that bitch’s broomstick back to him.

Once again Dorothy and the losers set off… On the way to the castle, Dorothy and Toto are kidnapped by the witch’s flying monkeys, which are the creepiest flippin’ things ever seen. Toto escapes and finds the losers. He leads the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion to the castle to save Dorothy. They dump some water on the Wicked Witch of the West and the bitch melts…

So they head back to The Emerald City to claim their prizes… The thing is… Again the Wizard is a dick and a big faker… So he can’t actually give them anything except some dumb ass lecture about how they’ve always had what they were looking for… It was inside them all along… Blah… Blah… Blah… With the exception of Dorothy whom he’s going to personally escort back to Kansas, partially because he’s a pervert and wants to hit that shit, and partially because he can’t get any good drugs in Oz. Anyway dumbass that he is he manages to fly away without Dorothy…

Which brings us to my conclusion… Glinda is a first class bitch! Bitch rolls up and tells Dorothy that she has always had the power to go home… All she has to do, is to click her heels three times, and say “There’s No Place Like Home!”

At which point if I were Dorothy I would cock back and punch Glinda square in the jaw, with everything I’ve got… You Fuckin Bitch! If you knew I had the ability to go home the whole time… Why the fuck did you send me on a wild goose chase??? Why didn’t you tell me that before??? Skank Ass Whore!!!

I’m just sayin’…