Even if you’re not a fan of The Hills you are probably aware of who Spencer Pratt is. In two short years he has managed to go from relative obscurity to a household name… Albeit the most hated household name in America, nevertheless a household name.

The most intriguing aspect of his rise to fame, is that he has accomplished it without the faintest hint of any discernible talent. He is famous for being a douchebag… Period.

He is universally hated… His appeal, or lack thereof crosses all boundaries, men and women of all ages, economic status, political ideologies and religious beliefs can agree that he is an asshole. To know Spencer is to hate Spencer…

Some may see this as a problem… Not Spencer, he sees it as an asset, and quite frankly so do I. In fact, not only do I have much respect for Spencer as a PR genius! I think he would probably be a pretty cool guy to hang out with, and I’ll give you my reasons why. In fact I’ll give you eleven reasons why. After all any douchebag PR guy can bring you a list of ten, it takes a true marketing genius like myself or Spencer to bring you eleven.

So now without further delay… The top eleven reasons Spencer Pratt would make a great friend:

1. First and foremost he made 3 million dollars in the past two years.

Granted he may be the King God of douchebags, I’ll give you that. However Spencer Pratt has learned to monetize his douchebaggery! Quite frankly I’d like to get in on that. I’m pretty sure that I can be an annoying asshole if I’m getting paid for it… Hell I’m doing a pretty good job as an amateur. I think it’s time I went pro!

2. His girlfriend has really soft and shiny hair.



Heidi Montag may be the most vapid, narcissistic, no talent blonde to ever appear on the small screen, and yet even I have to admit… It is a very pretty shade of blonde. It looks so shiny and touchably soft. I’ll bet it smells sublime… I’m imagining a cross between lilac and jasmine. That is as long as you catch her before she goes in to see the casting director. I’ll bet it smells of spooge and shame afterwards.

3. His resemblance to Beavis of Beavis and Butt-Head fame is uncanny.



The opportunity to say… “Shut up… Beavis!” while slapping Spencer upside the head every 5 minutes is just too tempting to pass up.

4. By comparison you would seem like a pretty good catch.

What can I say about Spencer Pratt’s personality that hasn’t already been said… His whiny, annoying, self-centered, egotistical, misogynistic, pretentious sense of entitlement is the stuff of legend! He is truly the man America loves to hate… Next to that my border line personality disorder coupled with anger issues seem pretty tame.

5. He has a lot of free time on his hands.

Let’s be honest… It’s not like Spencer has a real job or anything, so if you need stuff done during the day he’s available. He can walk your dog, run to the dry cleaners, pick up milk from the grocery store or straighten up the house. I mean he’s a bitch anyway… he may as well act like one.

6. He is the ultimate scapegoat.

People want to hate Spencer… They want to blame him for everything from the rift between Lauren and Heidi to the Kennedy Assassination! You could get away with virtually anything by blaming Spencer either directly, by saying he did it or indirectly, by saying he influenced you. Hell… Heidi has been throwing Spencer under the bus for two years now, and it’s worked out pretty well for her!

7. If you ever need advice he’ll be there for you.

Who better to go to for advice than a professional advice columnist like Spencer Pratt? Listen very… Very carefully to his advice, being sure not to miss any subtle detail or nuance and then, and this is probably the most important part… Do exactly the opposite and you may actually come off as a halfway decent human being.

8. You have a convenient out for any occasion.

Is there a birthday, a bar mitzvah or a wedding coming up that you are committed to, but aren’t really keen on attending? Honestly… We all have those family functions and friendly obligations which we are expected to attend, but which if given the choice we would rather not. With Spencer Pratt as a friend however, all you have to do is mention that he may be tagging along and you’d be surprised at how quickly you’ll be released of those obligations… At the insistence of the host!

9. He knows Lauren Conrad.



Granted she hates him completely, and probably wouldn’t spit on him if he were on fire… Still, it’s worth something.

10. He will boost your self esteem.

If you ever get down on yourself and start feeling like a loser, you need look no farther than Spencer to realize you could be much… Much worse!

11. Did I mention he made 3 million dollars in the past two years?

Nuff said…

I’m just sayin’…