I caught the tail end of ‘Stranger Than Fiction’ last night.
I think I may actually be the only person on the face of the planet that really likes this film. It was almost universally panned, and no one I know… Or that I have ever met seems to like it, and yet it appeals to me…
In fact it may be one of my favorite movies of all time…
You can’t find anyone better to do meth with than your son?!?
Really?!? Seriously?!? You do meth with your son…
I mean as a parent I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked myself…
Self? How can I exploit my child, crush his soul, force him to bend to my will, and then abandon him to a life of endless drug rehabilitation visits and empty relationships that are doomed from the start…
Wait a minute! No I don’t… Because I’m not fucking insane…
Ok past! Listen up!
I’ve decided to face you head on… No more running, no more hiding, no more procrastinating! It’s time to… Well it’s time to grow up.
I know…
I know it’s really sudden. Believe me I was comfortable with our old relationship too! It was great… Really it was! You saddling me with a ton of emotional baggage, and me shrugging responsibility for any of it and blaming everyone except myself…
Good times past… Good times…
So Meg and I are watching some reality cooking show on the Food Network, which is being filmed in New Orleans…
During a commercial break she asks nonchalantly… “New Orleans??? Isn’t Orville Redenbacher from New Orleans?”
“No… No” I say, “I think he’s from Indiana.”
She furrows her brow and thinks for a moment mumbling under her breath… “Who… Who am I thinking of???” and then with a self satsified smirk she states triumphantly… “Oh… It’s that Sanders guy. The Kentucky Fried Chicken guy… He’s from New Orleans!”
“Ummm… Are you serious”…
Do you ever feel like you’ve seen so much porn that you’ve actually become numb to the entire concept?
Seriously… Do you ever feel like you’ve seen every possible combination of lewd and lascivious act of sexual deviancy ever conceived, filmed and uploaded to the internet?
Do you ever secretly hope that through the process of evolution human beings will develop a new orifice to expose and exploit so…
Why is it physically impossible for you to apply eyeliner with your mouth closed?
Let’s be honest… The world as we know it has been steadily sliding towards oblivion for quite a while now…
I mean we’re all pretty much fucked… Right?
We’re just sitting around… Biding our time until the zombie apocalypse unleashes an unspeakable wave of terror that will wash across this nation like a bloody tsunami. Well this is your wake up call America…
I was at the grocery store this evening picking up a few of life’s essentials… You know… Milk… Bread… Yogurt… A can of juice…
Wait what???
Say that out loud once or twice… “A can of juice.”… “A can… Of juice” It’s completely accurate, yet it has a distinctive white trash ring to it when you actually say it out loud.
So anyway…
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt as Ken and Barbie?
You may think I’m joking… Sadly I’m not.
What the hell is Mattel thinking? I mean are Heidi and Spencer really the type of people you want as role models for your kids? Really?!?
The Boris and Natasha of The Hills?
If you could tell Barack Obama one thing… Just one. What would it be? How about John McCain? What would you convey to arguably the most powerful man on the face of the planet? The next President of the United States…
Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama and Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain.
Well you better come up with something good because JoinTheDot™ is giving you the opportunity.
Artist David Ilan, will create portraits of each candidate for JoinTheDot™ using the unique method of art known as pointillism, in which millions of tiny hand-drawn dots will be used to create one larger image…
