Another Reminder That I’m Going to Die Old and Alone.
Nov 29th, 2008 | By Just Sayin... | Category: Family, Friends and Fans | Visited 1016 times, 1 so far today
I don’t know what you did for Thanksgiving, and quite frankly…
I don’t really care! I have my own fuckin’ family to deal with ok? I don’t need your problems as well…
The start of holiday season is upon us and unfortunately… For those of us that are single anyway, that means spending the next several weeks surrounded by family and friends and the constant reminder that you are going to die old and alone with a half dead houseplant as your only companion.
In a survey of thousands of singles nationwide, three of the leading online dating sites Date.com, Matchmaker.com and Amor.com asked: You’re Single this Thanksgiving and, if you could bring any celebrity home to have dinner with your entire family, who would it be?
These are the celebrities that pathetic losers such as myself thought would make the best impression as a dinner date.
The Men Chose:
- 35% Jennifer Aniston
(I think she got the sympathy vote…) - 23% Reese Witherspoon
- 12% Anne Hathaway
(I understand this choice… Hoping to get a lil’ rebound action.) - 9% Jessica Biel
- 7% Halle Berry
(For those that like the dark meat and the breasts…) - 5% Mary Louise Parker
- 4% Kiera Knightly
- 4% Natalie Portman
- 1% Madonna
(WTF! Why? So your grandma has someone her own age to talk to?)
The Women Chose:
- 31% George Clooney
(Seriously??? This is the best you can do?) - 18% Prince William
- 13% Tom Brady
- 12% Jake Gyllenhaal
- 10% President Elect Obama
- 8% David Archuleta
- 3% Brad Pitt
- 3% Adrian Grenier
(Who???) - 2% P. Diddy
(Why??? No seriously… Why???)
Some of the choices were spot on, and some left me scratching my head (Really? Who the fuck voted for Madonna? She’s gross, could you imagine trying to eat while looking at her?), if I had my choice I would bring…
The Girl You Don’t Bring Home To Momma… Why? Out of spite of course… I just don’t like being told what to do alright?!?
Who would you want to spend the Holidays with?
I’m just askin’…
Well, bringing a celebrity girl home to my whole family is impossible because they all live so far apart, but if I had to choose one to bring home to myself, I’d choose Mary-Kate Olsen.
Mike… I can never tell the two apart. Is Mary Kate the bulimic slut or the crack whore?
She’s the bulimic slut. But anyway..
Sucks you’re going to be alone this Christmas, huh? But don’t worry, I won’t be alone this Christmas seeming as I have a girlfriend and all. So kudos to me, yay!
Ah, Christmas sex is always the best isn’t it Just Sayin? Oh, wait. Sorry…
Ps. When you die, can I have some of your stuff? Well actually - can I just have all of it? Seeming as you don’t have anyone else to give it to and all.
Thanks
Just Sayin……… Next Thanksgiving when I’m divorced and looking for a place to eat…I’m all yours. We’ll raise some hell and cause all sorts of trouble, sit back and laugh at all the chaos we’ve caused! I’ve missed you… Have a happy Sunday, you sexy ass stud !!!
Ahh, romance is in the air. Get a room, you two.
Mary-Kate is the sexy one, Mr. Just.
Dwayne… Thanks for not rubbing it in my face bud… I knew I could count on you!
Since you’re such a great friend I have decided that upon my demise you shall receive my collection of Sarah Palin related pornography (It might be a little sticky… Sorry about that), my authentic collection of excuse notes from Welcome Back Kotter (All signed Epstein’s mother), $1.62 in pocket change along with the corresponding lint and half a pack of menthol cigarettes!
Congratulations man… You deserve it!
The Girl You Don’t Bring Home To Momma, Well Except on Thanksgiving… It’s a date!
Mike… Dude… Why you gotta cock block me man?
I think I’d make a pretty good impression by bringing Rosie O’Donnell home. I’d need some help gutting and skinning her anyway.
diesel… I think you’d need an entire tribe of Oglala Sioux Indians to gut and skin that buffalo.
No need to thank me. I knew you’d take my kind words in the nicest way possible.
Btw, looks like you won’t be alone next Christmas judging by momma’s comments.
I would never bring a celeb home for any holiday. My sister gives way better head than me and I would totally lose him.
Etta… That’s why you accidentally let it slip just before you arrive, that you feel really, REALLY bad for her lately what with the raging case of herpes she has and what not…
Voila’!
I guarantee you he won’t go within 100 feet of her the whole time… Problem solved!
[...] Combine all ingredients in a pint glass filled with crushed ice. Stir gently. Garnish with slice of celery. Imbibe… Repeat, and repeat, and repeat until all of the vodka is gone or you can’t remember that you are going to die old and alone with a half dead houseplant as your only companion. [...]