Honestly. Honesty sucks.
Jan 5th, 2009 | By Just Sayin... | Category: Reflection, Recollection and Retrospect | Visited 191 times, 2 so far today
Even though I’ll be writing 2008 on my checks for the next several weeks,the year is officially over, and while many are focusing their thoughts on new beginnings, fresh starts and what not… (It’s funny I tend to focus on the what not more often than not lately) I want to know about the one thing, or anything for that matter you think is worth remembering from 2008.
photo credit: Zak di Zakcomics
For me, 2008 is, and always will be, the year of honesty. The year I not only faced the truth, but began to tell it. For so long I wore a mask as a coping mechanism. That is to say I wore multiple masks, one for just about every person I knew. The simple truth is if you asked 20 different people that knew me, who I was, and what made me tick you’d get 20 very different answers.
I had dozens of friends, but had never been more lonely. I was constantly talking, but never actually saying anything. I was in a relationship, but she had no idea who I really was. I was literally living a lie. The irony is. In an effort to avoid rejection I had completely isolated myself. People weren’t accepting me… They were accepting the facade, the mask that I was presenting. The further along the relationships progressed the deeper and more intricate the facade becomes.
Eventually you lose yourself.
The lines become fuzzy. What is real and what is made up? Who am I really? Am I immutable, is my personality clear cut and defined, or am I merely a character, donning personalities as an actor a role? What defines me as me?
Eventually it all comes apart. I mean it has to. Too many masks. Too many disguises. Too many lies. Just… Too… Much…
***Bang***
World’s collide, and you’re left to pick up the pieces. Left trying to remember what you had buried, you had hidden, you had lied about for so long. Trying to remember. You.
So that’s where I’m at. I mean I wish I could tell you that everything turned out great, all my problems have been solved, and I am living happily ever after. But I can’t, it’s definitely a one day at a time sort of thing. I guess that’s one of the reasons I started blogging. it’s therapeutic. Cathartic. Hell who am I kidding, it’s cheap group therapy.
Whatever it is, it is what I will remember most about 2008, and hopefully someday what I will remember fondly. Until then… Anyway.
What about you? What will you remeber about 2008? What stands out for you? Remember… Be honest!
The thing I remember most about 2008 was the realization that I was doing the same thing you just described, and as for 2009…I’ve told all my friends and my significant other that I no longer plan on continuing the lie and plan to live as me, if they don’t like it they can fuck off..
@ QueenDoc Fucking A! Good for you! It doesn’t always feel good, but at least it’s real. Own your life… All of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly, own it all, embrace it all and always remember… It’s ok to say , “I don’t want to talk about it”
Good Luck!
I remember most about 2008 is going after “The Asshole’s” van with a shovel, I was going to break all his windows with it because he shoved me. My daughter yelled out the door and brought me back to my senses. That’s when I made the decision to get therapy and leave. Sorry so glum, but 08 sucked ass.
@ The Girl Who Even Makes Violent Bludgeoning With A Shovel Sexy. I wouldn’t worry about it. I get the feeling that 2008 was rather glum for just about everyone. Besides. I’m sure the asshole deserved it. Look at the bright side. Now you have me! Who loves you baby?
2008 will be the year I got a kick in the butt to change my career. I got laid off in November as a computer programmer/analyst, but the baby chick writer in me has been pushed out of the nest and I’m learning to fly. I hope never to return to the IT industry and pursue writing full-time. Maybe that’s a form of being honest with myself (in keeping with your theme).
Just Sayin - Yes he did deserve it, that’s for saying so, and Yes, I think you do Love Me !!!!
@ Margaret - It sounds like you’ve had one hell of a year! However, the IT world’s loss is our gain, you can definitely count me as a fan of your new career.
Speaking as someone who is currently employed in an IT/Web Development capacity I know just how much it can suck the life and creativity right out of you.
I wish you the best of luck in your career as a writer! Kudos to you for having the guts to go for it!
@ The Girl Who Even Makes Violent Bludgeoning With A Shovel Sexy - Now look what you’ve done. You have me blushing and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside!
Breaking up my long-time marriage–leaves ya with a sucky kind of feeling.
@ Prefers Her Fantasy Life - Ouch! That is definitely a pretty sucky thing to remember about 2008! You definitely have me beat, although I’m not sure that’s a good thing.
Well, friend, 2008 was one giant bag of suck… that’s what I remember about it.
It was the year of my life I wasted watching MSNBC and reading Nate Silvers blog obsessively. Other than that it pretty much sucked.
I am the way I am in my blog but in *real* life I am more of a bitch. I lose my temper faster, have less patience with people and have very few friends (I call myself the Queen of the Anti-Socialites) etc.
My point is that I enjoy the interaction I have with different people on my blog and there’s because I don’t have to meet them for coffee and fake small talk. It seems blogging helps us in so many different ways, I really can’t see myself quitting. Unless I become truly 100% happy because who wants to read a blog about happiness? Not me.
For me, 2008 will be remembered as the year my hubs and I found out we could live through any stressful disaster and still feel love for each other. Because seriously? It poured buckets of shit in our household. Literally. ;o)
I hope this year brings you closer to what you’re looking for but if it doesn’t, at least you can blog about it.
2008. I learned what was truly important. I learned to trust more. I learned that life happens and we have a choice - fight it or let it - and balance both appropriately,
@ Mike - Ya know, there seems to be quite a bit of that sentiment going on around here. Let’s hope 2009 is at least a little bit better.
@ pro bunny - I hear ya’. Hey! You know what would make 2009 fucking fantatsic? If you started blogging more.
Seriously!
I fully expect at least a post a week out of you, maybe two for all of 2009! So get to work! You can start by live blogging from the inauguration.
@ Bee (A.K.A Queen of the Anti-Socialites) I fully agree with you that the blogosphere is really just one gigantic electronic group therapy session filled with neurotic, narcissistic, borderline personality disorders, myself at the head of the pack. It’s definitely what makes it worthwhile…
I’m glad you and your husband pulled it out. Crisis doesn’t always tear us apart. If you’ve found the right person it can definitely bring you together, and it sounds like you have! Good for you!
As for me. As cliche as this sounds, I think I have to find myself before I start looking for someone else.
@ MamaPeg - That is precisely what I’m hoping to achieve! Balance… Acceptance… Trust… You’ve literally taken the words from my mouth. Thank you for sharing, I’ll be there soon!
For me 2008 was ok, just kind of floated through it. Our worst was 2001 and 2002 for many reasons and we’ve been clawing our way back out ever since, so floating through a year is not so bad. I’ve found that keeping busy helps me handle the hard parts.
I hope that you have a much better year. Hang in there, it gets better.
@ Ora - Thanks for the encouraging words. I know 2009 is going to be better! I can feel it!